A Line In The Sand Part I

[Kakita Shiro]

In which the Scorpion and the Lion disagree on the finer points of caravans.

http://www.l5r.com/2014/09/14/line-sand-part-1/

[Asahina Shimato]

So the Scorpion merchant caravan slaughters a Lion border patrol and it's the Lion's fault because of ...reasons?
How can that be a sensible political position?

[Foxtrot Four]

this is my first time reading the fiction in a while and...
wow, just... wow, that's.. something I guess.
it's like a half decent paper for a high school creative writing coarse.

the dialog passed between the two lion and scorpion before the brawl broke out was laughable at best. "Why should I care about your yojimbo?" "...are you a father?" what the hell does that have anything to do with anything? that was the most random out of place statement ever. If he had said yes, and then sympathized with the scorpion who's son is in the pit that would have ruined the scorpions plan and he'd look like a fool.

the dialog between the Scorpion Champion and his two advisors was only slightly better until Nitoshi decided to go bonkers and then somehow lost half of his own character development. That was just an arbitrary excuse for him to threaten someone's life. Also his last line before the cut was good, until he kept talking. [Alternate Ending: "Excellent", Nitoshi said, as a smile formed beneath his mask] Also the way the keep refering to him smiling as though he isn't wearing a mask is narratively either dishonor or at least confusing. But that whole, "emotion is weakness, after all" a comma does not save you, it makes it worse. It sounds like he's saying it all mater of fact like and it just makes him sound really super silly.

now in the courtroom scene I'm not all too familiar with the fluff but I'm fairly certain that if you're going to interrupt a courtier during his speech it better to be scream at the top of your lungs, "THE MURDER WILL NOW BEGIN!" and then just start killing people. Because after the 3rd interruption from the lion I was just tired of listening to him speak let alone whatever he had to say. It invalidates you completely in a court of such nature. Not to mention what the Lion had to say was just so completely 2-dimensional that I had little motivation to take his side, if he had sat there and bit his tongue and fought back the urge and then maybe later as the court room battle expanded in Part 2, and then finally in part 3 the Lion hopped up just before the court sided with the scorpion, he finally hopped up and start gaking people THAT would have been a much more interesting narrative, but you have to describe the complacency of the Lion, his bit tongue, his restraint and you paint a brutal picture of self control and anger, not just have him stand up and interject with two word statements. Because that's boring.

][everyone's a critique][

[Doji Souta]

Foxtrot, I must respectfully disagree with most of your critiques of the piece. The only one I agree with is the Lion's outburst does make him unlikable but I think he is doing the best as per his clan's tradition. The Lion are in the right by the law, however the Scorpion are far better trained at rhetoric and persuasion. Should she be allowed to spread unhindered it is likely she would turn the court against his clan. While interrupting her constantly insults her and erodes his popularity, it hampers the effectiveness of her more measured and polite speech, he is winning already, he just needs to make her lose. View it as the political equivalent of taking a knee in football.

While I could argue the other points as well I do not know if the mods would appreciate us holding a game of Sadane on the forum and as such will respectfully hold my tongue and simply state that I think the story team has been doing a marvelous job with this storyline.

[Kakita Shiro]

[Doji Souta]

Ah very well

As to the first point, the Scorpion were setting up the confrontation. By calling her Yojimbo she signals the attack and meanwhile the Lion is too busy arguing to make his own signal. Had he responded yes by the way our scorpion could have just said. "If you are a father then only a dishonorable dog could act as you are now." The main point is when the fight started, the Lion general was flustered, emotional and thrown off balance, favorable conditions for our Scorpion friends.

As for Nitoshi, he was quite restrained actually, this untested boy was mouthing off to him and acting in a manor above his station. Not only was this behavior disrespectful but stupid, what if he back-talked Renyu or Kampeki? Nitoshi acted as a teacher, first threatening his life (Because he may have developed but he is still quite fond of the stabbing) then explaining to him the situation so he could learn and make himself an asset to the clan. As for the after all, I must confess I have two theories for why this was placed in the text. Either it is foreshadowing to his plan to royally tick off the Lions by going for their shrines, or it was foreshadowing by the writers that our dear smiling Nitoshi is not as detached as he wants us to believe. As for Nitoshi's smiles? Part of it is for our benefit though remember that only showing emotion is dishonorable, displaying expression is not. It is perfectly honorable to offer a pleased smile as a way of showing gratitude or pleasure. It is only when your true emotions leak through that you are at risk.

As for our Lion friend? He was a courtier, his job and duty was to restrain himself and fight this in the courts. Him resorting to violence would be personally satisfying for him and some others but it would also cost the Lion greatly as it would prove the Scorpion's point for them. The political and mystical narrative is as wonderful as the military one and a man can die in court just as easily on the battlefield, I enjoy watching these House of Cards style struggles and think the story team was spot on with their wordplay and intrigue.

I thank you for your time and look forward to hearing all of your opinions on this matter.

[Foxtrot Four]

[Doji Souta]

Indeed!

While our Yojimbo was not really taught to use words, the Lion lost the fight the moment he opened his mouth to say he was deliberately endangering Samurai. At this point the Yojimbo who while not trained in words was trained in wrecking face and pissing people off could do his bit to stir the pot while everyone else get ready. It does have a bit of Deus Ex to it I must admit but it is not unreasonable for a courtier to tell her soldiers "When I let the big dumb guy go up to someone and talk, be ready for murder."


The last sentence was clearly more dramatic then practical and while I can agree that it wasn't necessary I am hoping it leads up to something. If it turns out Nitoshi is slowly becoming an emotional wreck that line makes alot more sense. While potentially awkward I feel like it is unfair to judge what is essentially a "For NOW!" until we see what it was referring too.


Indeed it is our biggest disagreement which stems from the fact, I think, that I do not think we were supposed to side with the Lion. He is described as competent, for a Lion which establishes him as a potential threat but not really the underdog or even the protagonist, Fuyuko is our hero here even if she plays for team evil. Also while that scene would be far more interesting, it is also not what either side wants. Both sides are implied to view the war as an inevitability, the actual play here is for the Scorpion to play willy wonka and go "Stop it, no don't." and then control the timing of the Lion's victory so they can take the best advantage of it. Your scene would make an amazing climax to the story but this is story 1. We need escalation before the courts break out in violence as they do in part 2 and this scene allows us to escalate slowly. The boil may be to slow but it lands us where need to be. Still I am glad to see our Opinions are, for the most part, not as different as it first seemed.